


underneath this flickering light, did you want to forget about life with me tonight?

by poplarstreet



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Amy can't understand why, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Jake gets offered a spy position, and turns it down, spoiler: it's love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-06-30 07:36:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19848541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poplarstreet/pseuds/poplarstreet
Summary: Amy knows that they're happy, that he's happy, but when she thinks aboutOverseas Covert Operativein writing with his decline letter, it's hard to imagine it staying that way.





	underneath this flickering light, did you want to forget about life with me tonight?

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys!
> 
> feel free to leave kudos/comments below, feedback is always welcome :)
> 
> song title is from 'forget about life' by alvvays

And all of the sudden, it’s too much. Trying to be as subtle as she can, she stands up and leaves the room. She can hear the team cheering on Boyle behind her, and she’s grateful to have slipped away unnoticed. 

Making her way to the roof, she pulls out her lighter and taps it against the palm of her hand. She’s removed all the cigarettes from the building in her attempts to quit, but she hopes the sheer plastic of the lighter will calm her down. 

It doesn’t. 

Because all she can think about is Jake, and all that he’s given up for her. 

He interrupts her thoughts with a gentle, “Hey,” and she puts on her best smile as she turns to face him and dips her head in acknowledgement. Amy’s not exactly sure how he knew she was here- but then again, the place where she used to go for an escape and a quick shame smoke once in a little while isn’t that hard to guess. 

“Are you okay?” She almost wants to start crying from the soft tone of his voice, but she nods her head yes with another small smile. She knows he’ll see through that too, so she relents and gives a small shake of her head. 

Because she is decidedly not okay, and she does not deserve the look in his eyes right now. Love, concern, worry- it’s all there, in his crinkled brows and searching gaze. And one day, soon, he’ll realize this- that there’s a better life out there for him. 

The thought is killing her, and she’s so lost in her own mind that she doesn’t notice him moving closer until he’s right there, his hands hovering over her crossed arms. He’s being careful as always to make sure he isn’t crossing a line, and it only adds to her sinking guilt. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks, and the words spill out before she can think them through enough. 

“Are you happy?” Jake looks almost confused and then relieved at the question, like he expected it to be something worse. 

“Yes,” but he must not understand what she means so she rushes to explain. 

“No, Jake, I mean, I know you’re like happy right now, because you’re having fun in there, and it’s _fun_ , or whatever,” he smiles at this, “but what about a year from now?” 

The smile drops a little. “What?” 

“What about five years from now?” 

“Ames,” he says, but she’s on a roll and can’t stop now. 

“Because I am so glad you’re back, Jake, but I was looking through your recommendations and they offered you a position _overseas_ as a Special Agent, and I just, I feel like you’re giving up so much.” 

“I made that decision, and I stand by it, Amy. You did not force me to do this.” 

“I kinda did,” she forces a laugh, the sound harsh even to her own ears. 

“No, you didn’t, Amy, I don’t know how else to tell you-” and there’s a hint of desperation in his voice, like he needs her to believe him. It’s suddenly too much and the dam breaks inside her, the heavy words she hadn’t realize were building up are suddenly too much to bear. 

“I’m afraid you’re going to resent me, and I’m afraid that this isn’t enough for you and I’m afraid that _I’m_ not enough for you.”

The silence is thick as he stands there in shock, his lips parted. Part of her wants to laugh and probably would if the situation wasn’t so serious. 

" _Resent_ you?" Jake asks, his voice disbelieving, but her voice still shakes as she continues on her tangent. 

“I’m afraid that you’re going to look back someday and regret these choices, regret choosing a, a _relationship_ over your future.” She’s been boring holes into the rooftop but here she looks up, into his face.

He's close enough that she can see where the sun has caught his eyes. Emotions she can’t quite decipher swirl and dance in them, and she can’t look away. 

His voice is quiet but it doesn’t waver. 

“If you aren’t happy, if breaking up will make you happy, then say it. Tell me you don’t love me, and I will let you go.” She feels frozen, every bone in her body protesting at the thought of his absence. 

“But if you want to break up because you think it’ll make me happier you’re wrong, okay? I will never regret you, you’re the best thing to happen to me. You aren’t just _enough_ , Ames, you will always be _more_ than enough.”

“Jake,” she whispers, voice barely there and strangled by tears, tears which she sees pooling in his own eyes. 

“What I will regret is letting you walk away without knowing how much I love you, and how that stupid position pales next to you. Like, _The Sixth Sense_ Bruce Willis pale,” he attempts the joke with a half hearted smile, and it’s so Jake that she feels her heart stutter. 

“It is _nothing_ , and you are _everything_ ,” his voice is pleading with her, the joking manner slipping away and leaving Jake standing there without his usual defense mechanism. He’s bared his heart to her, and she feels the lighter slip through her fingers to clatter to the roof. 

He’s close now, close enough that when she feels her knees go weak he’s there. He lowers them to the ground as she cries, muttering soft words of encouragement in her ear. 

Guilt weighs heavy on her chest because Jake is so good, and she was willing to give it up and it’s suddenly hard to get air into her chest and her fingers feel numb and panic is building up and she can’t breathe, can’t think, her brain short-circuiting.

It takes a few seconds to clear her head, before she starts a chorus of apologies, stumbling over most of them as she struggles to get them out. 

It becomes a mantra, a chant, to which Jake keeps reassuring her that she doesn’t need to apologize, that he’s right there and she’s okay. 

She’s okay.


End file.
